Until she said it, I had been under the impression that we were all stuck in a world with one set of unambiguous truths. Many of us were none too happy with the situation, especially when said truth did not fit our worldview. But then Kellyanne Conway changed everything when she said that then-President Trump was entitled to his own set of ‘alternative facts.’ Suddenly, I felt free to enjoy believing anything I wanted. And evidently, Trump felt even more free to do anything he wanted, regardless of laws or conscience. Isn’t it wonderful to no longer have to worry about whether something is a truth or a falsehood? Once you have alternative facts, you can say or do anything!
Take global warming. Please. (See, I can even make jokes about it. Those darn bleeding-heart nature lovers can’t, can they?) The environmentalists believe in something called ‘climate science,’ which claims that greenhouse gas emissions from burning good-old fossil fuels are causing the earth’s temperatures to rise. The climate scientists say their position is based on both theory and observation of ‘facts.’ They say that even though some refinement is always needed, there is near consensus on the basic premise that the earth is getting warmer, and that human activity is the cause. I don’t like these facts, and I don’t think too many of my friends do, either. That’s why we have our own special alternative facts about global warming. Here are a few of my faves.
Alternative Fact 1: Sure the climate is changing. The climate is always changing. (Don’t I sound smart when I say that?) Wait. You’re telling me that a few years ago, I was denying that the climate was changing at all, and this is now my fallback position? I deny this, too. Scientists
also tell us that the planet is warmer now than at any time in human history due to our greenhouse gases. I don’t like this fact either, so I’ll be sure to come up with an alternative one. When I get around to it.
Alternative Fact 2: What do scientists know? Back in the ‘70s, they were telling us that an ice age was coming. (Don’t I sound smart when I say that?) What? Out of the climate-related studies from 1965 to 1979, 62% predicted that warming would occur and only 10% predicted cooling, but the media hyped the latter ones more. Time for some better alternative facts, like my original smarty-pants statement above. Besides, scientists are just plain dumb. That’s what happens when you learn, think, or study too much about something: your brain gets all fuzzy. I know better because I haven’t studied the subject as much as they have, and I therefore have a clear head about such things. I’ve even heard scientists themselves say that their work isn’t perfect and that the scientific method itself is self-correcting. Why don’t they just use alternative facts, so that they can never be wrong?
Alternative Fact 3: Even if those original scientific facts about anthropogenic climate change are true (I’m not admitting that they are, and by the way, look at that big word I used), what about India and China? They pollute more than we do, and what good will it do for us to clean up our environment if they don’t? (Don’t I sound smart when I say that? And isn’t this the best whataboutism of all?) I know.
Former President Obama, and now current President Biden, want the U.S. to lead the world in clean energy, saying it will help, not hurt the economy in the long run. I don’t
like this fact, either, because it doesn’t suit the people who make a lot of money off coal and oil. Therefore, it doesn’t suit the Republican Party, former President Trump, or smart people like me. Our alternative fact to this one is that renewable energy will cause massive unemployment and disrupt our great economy. And don’t even get me started on cow farts.
The current spate of record high temperatures, heat waves, flooding, severe storms, rising seas, and wildfires are mere inconveniences. I’m sure they will all stop now. And alternative facts about such things just keep getting better.
Anyway. I could go on. The alternative facts coming from my side won’t stop, no matter what true facts you care to share.
Dan Horvath is a proud member of the Flat Earth Society, which has members from all around the globe.
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